Katie - H.S.

Katie's Death

     My daughter Katie left this world as she had come into it......unexpectedly.   On September 10, 2003 I came home from work and found my beautiful daughter dead by suicide.   My life changed forever that night and I have no words to describe how big the hole in my heart is.   She took a part of me with her that will never be replaced.   Katie and her brother Adam are the great loves and joys of my life......my reason for being.   I feel so lost......so incomplete without her here in my life.

     I do not know why Katie took her own life.   She didn't leave a note telling me and I will never know why for sure.   I can only guess and try to make it all make sense for me but I don't know that it ever will.   Although Katie and I got along great and were the best of friends, she never told me she was feeling the way that she felt and I was not educated enough to know what the signs of depression were.

     And, although I knew that Katie was going through a time in her life where she felt disappointed by a lot of things, it never occurred to me that she would take her own life.  I believe now that Katie was suffering from clinical depression and could not see that there would ever be a light at the end of the tunnel.......she lost the hope of her life ever being any differant than it was and in a really bad moment, impulsively did what she did.

Katie's Arrival

         I remember how excited I felt upon the arrival of my daughter Katie by C-section that chilly May day. We chose this day because we wanted Adam to have his birthday before his little sister....he was the BIG brother after all....thought he might feel his birthday should come first.

         We didn't know until she arrived that we were having a little girl. I was so happy to have a girl now too. I was introducing her to everyone in the operating room....they had to tell me to calm down so they could finish up. We started off kind of bumpy in our relationship because Katie was very stubborn and determined to have her own way....and so was I. As the years passed my daughter grew up to be one of the sweetest, most loving, beautiful young women that I've ever known....I thought she was perfect but I don't think that Katie ever saw herself the same way that other people saw her. And, I'll just bet that while she was here she made such an impression that she will never be forgotten by anyone whoever had the pleasure of spending time with her.

......and for my next selection

       Katie was an avid reader from the first time that she learned how to. I remember her always having a book going and I can't remember her ever not going to bed without reading something.....no matter what time it was.

       Katie also loved movies and I can remember her going to the theatre more than once if she liked the movie enough. I think her all time favorite was " Titanic " with Leonardo DeCaprio....she must have gone to see that one at least 4 times and then bought the movie when it came out on video. Her collection of videotapes was quite extensive. I remember once asking her why did she need to own every movie that she liked and she told me so that she could watch it any time she wanted.

       Listening to all kinds of music was one of Katie's favorite things to do also. She would go through periods of just listening to oldies...heavy metal...country...40's...well you get the picture...she liked all kinds of mucic. Sometimes she would spend hours just recording all of her favorites onto one tape so she could listen to it while she was doing her daily walk.

      Katie was a huge fan of the t.v. series " Buffy the Vampire Slayer " too. She even read the magazine about the series...so much so that the people she worked with signed an issue and asked me if they could put it into her coffin with her. I was so touched by the gesture...of course I told them yes. She owned the tapes of all the seasons of " Buffy " and even got me watching it too. That happened a lot....she would be watching something, I would be pooh-poohing it and the next thing I knew I was sitting there with her, enjoying it just as much as she was. There would have been so much I would have missed out on if I hadn't given it a try.

       I miss just sitting and watching t.v. or a good movie with Katie....she sure did know how to pick 'em or maybe it was just her desire to see something differant or new....something that not everyone else would pick....for instance, foreign language movies with english sub-titles....French...Italian....Spanish...Chinese...we saw quite a few of them.

        It's funny, as I sit here now and write about Katie...I think about how some people thought that my daughter was not living a life....a life that they thought she should be living...with a boyfriend or husband and children because she was the age she was and didn't have those things. I also know that there were some too that thought I was holding Katie back....keeping her with me....I can not help what people think. What I know about my daughter is that she would have had those things too.....someday. Katie had always taken longer to have a lot of things....it took her longer to ride a bike and to get her driver's license...it made sense to me that Katie would have those things later than most people her own age. I just would have loved it if I could have convinced her of that. Katie was unique, an individual and I recognized this and accepted this about Katie a long time ago. She wasn't supposed to be like everyone else...if only she could have accepted that about herself...she might still be here.